All i wanted you next to me and all I have is this loneliness

Your words on my phone screen just seemed
to hang there, almost as a silent reminder that you’re not
here.
I was doing and being the person I needed to be for our
relationship- giving you the space and time to do the things
in your life that required your attention
But it didn’t mean my heart wasn’t hurting.
Not because of anything that was done or said, but
because I was missing you-but I knew the last thing you
needed were my feelings adding to your full plate.
So, I did what I always did and forced myself to be strong
for you and for us.
I knew I shouldn’t wish your attention or need your touch,
but that’s just exactly how I’m wired and I apologize for who I
am.I feel sorry for being so wired.
I don’t really know what you think, don’t you see my feelings or is it because I show you
and the world a confident and strong me.
But there are some times when I’m not strong, I’m not self
assured- times when I need you.
You love me in your way and I’ve known that since the
beginning and I’ve learned to adapt as each passing day it’s getting changed.
It doesn’t mean it’s easy.
It doesn’t mean I am always good with it.
It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.It doesn’t mean it isn’t breaking me and my heart. But those times- those feelings- I try to keep it to myself and many times I just spile those shit on you and give you the pain.. I’m trying not to do so…
In fact, my weakness would more than likely drive you away.
So I do what I always do and just swallow my emotions and
bury them I keep my mind and body busy so my emotions don’t
destroy me and US.
Because if I’m honest, these are the times I need you to pull
me close and just be there. Trust me I don’t need anything else than that..nothing I want more than your love.
I don’t need you to say or do anything, I just need you.
And when that’s the one thing I can’t have-you- it just hurts
in places that I don’t have the words for.
So the only option or choice life left is suck it up and just be strong.
But deep down in places that cry out to be heard, I’m silently
hurting in ways I can’t explain.
So, I’ll sit here in the solitude with my thoughts and hope this silence doesn’t kill me from inside .
It’ll be okay, better and I’ll make my way through this - I always
do.
But it’s one of the hardest feelings I’ve ever known is to
want someone there and not be able to have them.
But I’ll be okay.
I always am.
Maybe even tomorrow I can find a smile in the silence.
Now, for where I am and my hurting heart, this has to be
enough.